Overeating

Okay, so I had a 'lovely' period of thinness anorexia, however after Christmas it was near on impossible to 'get back on track' after the masses of biscuits etc. In fact the bingeing started Christmas day, during the holiday build up my willpower was strong - Roses at cheerleading practice - ''no thank you'', mince pies at playgroup - ''I'm gluten free''. However now I seem to have now developed an overeating complex, it's as if my body feels it isn't going to get fed so i just eat and eat and eat. And eat. My stomach hurts so much, yet I'm shovelling more and more cerial/ crackers -insertfoodhere- in.

Up until now I've still managed to avoid the two main 'baddies' - chocolate and bread. But during a stint with the in laws I succumbed to chocolate covered espresso beans (at coffee shop whilst taking toddler for a nap), a treat size Mars bar (from local spar, scoffed round the back of the store, shortly after the espresso bean snaffle) and most of a pack of Malteasers (on train home from in laws, shared with toddler). Not Good. All of these baddies were consumed in secret, its only you and I that know of them passing my lips. I felt shame. I felt that the guy opposite me on the train was judging me. These are the worst foods, I haven't even mentioned the 'healthy' yoghurt covered raisins, packs and packs of saltanas, peanut butter on oatcakes, bowls and bowls of sugary cerial, oatbran and sweetener, bananas, crackers, cheese footballs, cooked turkey and dried figs.

Today toddler and I got back from above stint at in laws, I had eated EVERYTHING packed in toddlers my 'snack pack', all eaten with the mind set that I 'just wont eat when I get back' - failed. Got back and just ate and ate. I have tried searching for a reason but I just don't know why. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to occupy my mouth. Perhaps I was bored, but I had lots to do, I just didn't want to do those things. I eventually stopped the cycle when my stomach hurt so much I couldn't stand straight. I then discovered we had run out of loo paper (I knew this before I left for trip, how my other half lasted 4 days without any is beyond me) so I bundled us out in to the drizzle and dashed for the not-so-local shops.

The visit to the shop worked, temporarily, but again the trip revolved around food, I ended up buying more food (allbeit all 'good' stuff - spinach, green beans, apples etc) but again my life just seems to be a merry go round of FOOD. I wish I could go back to normality where food is just there, you have breakfast and then STOP, snack then STOP, lunch then STOP... etc... not this constant shovel of food in to my mouth as if it's never going to get food again.
Perhaps it's because of the months of deprivation, catching up with my body, but jeeeesus am I terrified for when these calories catch up on me, I am going to be blub.

I know I need to find other ways to distract the boredom, I need to play with toddler more, that was really eye opening to me whilst at the in laws. HE needs to be my FOOD. My addiction, my love, my every thought.

I need to take him on more walks (but it's too cold), I need to talk to him more (but what about), I need to play with him more (but how).

In fact goal for the day/week/hour tomorrow (it's currently 9pm) is to replace food craving (unless it is genuine hunger) with an activity with toddler.

Things to distract from  do instead of food -

- Collect shells and pebbles with toddler 
- Create scrap page with collected shells and pebbles √
- Create sand page
- Go for a walk to choose a magazine for toddler (and find out local newsagent opening hours)
- Shape sorting
- Singing
- Jumping
- Pushups / sit ups / cycling
- Find bike and childseat
- Explore east beach with toddler
- L Road park
- Take toddler to playgroup without pram
- Charity shop volunteering √ (enquired instore and online)
- Sort outside bins
- Look for garden furniture
- Dog bits
- Resize watch √
- Freecycle plastic drawers
- Freecycle highchair
- Xmas tree under the stairs?
- Purge under the bed and spare room drawers
- See if printer still works
- Laundry (and I mean laundry - iron it!)
- Wash the toilet properly
- Sort wardrobe out
- Hoover
- Publisher for OH
- Write email to boss √
- Find evening job?
- Update CV √
- Take toys to charity shop
- Clean bumbo with toddler
- Order wardrobe

SOOO, lots to be getting on with there! Wish me luck!
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY!