Self hatred in return for size 0?

I'm the lightest I've ever been but why do I feel fatter than ever? I'm sitting here punishing myself, I've eated circa 400 cals today, but with no excersice and not a great deal of walking. My mum has just bought me 2 pairs of jeans as I can't find any in my size in my local town and i'm worrying that I won't fit in to them when i try them Fri. I hate that I've not been able to exercise tonight and I am worried that by dusting a cake with icing sugar earlier my skin will somehow have absorbed the calories?! Is this the brink?

Latest symptoms:

Ridiculously dry skin
Red bits in between my fingers 
Veins popping
Needing to wee all the time, suddenly and with inability to hold it in
Bruising ridiculously, two nights ago I slept with my ankles crossed, I now have a nice yellow and blue bruise.
Insomnia

Oh yeah and the usual grumpiness, lack of patience and exhaustion.

-- Bony hips, not chocolate lips --

Size 0

I don't bloody care what anyone says, just tried on a new pair of jeans, I love being thin, I love the size label, I love it all.

Fat Free Bolognase with Courgette Spaghetti

Fat Free Bolognase with Courgette Spaghetti 

Wanted bolog, cant have wheat - the dish was born...

This recipie makes approx 2 servings, but as I only cook for one I had one portion at 5 and another later on when the post-gym munchies hit!

Ingredients:

1/2 Red onion

Handful spinach

1/4 red pepper

1/4 green pepper

1 Vegetable stock cube (or beef if you're not veggy!) in 200ml water

25g Soya mince (or the real deal - although no longer fat free!)

40g carrot batons chopped in to 1cm cubes

30g leeks

30g closed cup mushroom

70g courgette (sliced using a veg peeler then sliced longways to make spaghetti strands)

200g tin of chopped tomatos

Pinch basil

Salt, pepper and chilli flakes to taste

Method:

1. Fry the onion in a little of the stock water

2. Add carrots and more water

3. Chop all veg in to approx 2cm cubes and add to pot (not the courgette!)

4. Rehydrate mince and add to pot (or cook real mince the way it should be cooked??!)

5. Add chopped tomatoes and let simmer and reduce for approx 20mins or until flavours have 'mulched' together! Season to taste with basil, S&P and chilli

6. Transfer to a separate serving bowl

7. In same pan chuck courgette spaghetti in and constantly stir on a low heat for approx 2 mins

8. Pop on a plate and arrange as you would normal spag bol! 

Nom!! 

Butternut Squash stuffed with Cottage Cheese

Butternut Squash stuffed with Cottage Cheese

A fab way to get some more protein in, it's yummy for the winter and a lighter choice if you fancy a jacket potato! I chose the cottage cheese with onions and chives as it has *slightly* less calories and also adds some effortless flavour! I eat the whole thing, skin included, but your choice.

Ingredients:

1/2 Butternut squash, de-seeded

60g Cottage cheese with onions and chives

Salt and pepper to taste

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180' fan

2. Place de-seeded squash flesh down on a baking dish and bake until soft and skin is golden, approx 40 mins

3. Lightly 'fluff' the middle of the squash with a fork and flatten to make a larger hole than the seeded bit left

4. Fill with the cottage cheese and warm through in a low oven (I chose 80') for approx 15 mins

5. Sprinkle with S&P (I added some chilli flakes too!)

YUM!

Wheat and fat free 100 cal Portobello Pizza!

Portobello Pizza

Okay, so the cravings nearly got the better of me - I started craving my all-time favourite - PIZZA! 

Alas, I couldn't do it to myself, so I hunted for an alternative, and saw some bigg-ass mushrooms in my local Waitrose... so the creative juices began... I was so pleasently surprised, the mushroom tasted just like a 'real' pizza base and I didn't even miss the hard cheese! Go, go, go >

(This recipe is vegetarian and *nearly* fat, wheat and possibly gluten free - dependant on the cream cheese you use. It comes in at just under 100 calories too) 

Ingredients:

1 Flat portobello mushroom
20g Tomato Puree
15g Philadelphia Cream Cheese (Extra Light)
1/4 Pepper (Orange works well)
1/2 Red onion
1 Shallot
15g Carrots
15g Quorn chicken style pieces (your choice) 
Salt, pepper and chilli flakes
(Plus any other veg you want to use up)

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180' fan, lightly steam any 'hard' veg (carrots etc)
2. Wash mushroom and spread with tomato puree, sprinkle with rock salt, pepper and chilli flakes
3. Put on baking tray / pizza stone and whack in oven whilst making toppings
4. Cut onions and other veg in to 1cm chunks and mix with the cream cheese and Quorn pieces in a bowl. Season well.
5. Top the mushroom with the veg mix and pop back in the oven for approx 10mins or until veg is starting to brown.

YUM!

I like to serve this with Cauliflour Mash, but whatever works for you!

(You can make this 100% fat free by omitting the cream cheese, but pizza wouldn't be pizza without a little 'naughty'!)

Zero fat Pea and Mint Soup!

I had a hankering for Pea and Mint soup, alas Waitrose seem to be no longer stocking it, so I moved along to the fresh and frozen section and decided to wing it. Result - delicious and only 130 cals and zero fat!

Yields 2 servings - I normally have one for lunch and another for the 3 o'clock munchies!

Ingredients:

- 160g frozen peas
- 1 veg stock cube
- 300mls boiling water
- 3 sprigs of fresh mint
- 1 shallot
- Big pinch of black pepper

Method:

1. Make up stock cube with 300mls boiling water.
2. Chop shallot and cook with a splash of the stock water until softened
3. Pour in peas with remaining stock water
4. Chop mint and add to pot. Add pepper
5. Simmer on low for 5 mins
6. Blend and serve! Yum

I blend this quite thick so no need for bread etc (plus I'm gluten-free!)

Hi, my name is MsStale and I'm addicted to Snack a Jacks Rice Cakes

Its true, I can't get enough of the Salt and Vinegar Snack a Jacks, whether the big cake or the individual bags (although I have noted that the big cakes often dry out after a day - even when stored in the bread bin, and therefore the vingegary goodness isn't as acidic, boo!). I literally can not get enough of them, I think about them throughout the day, my mouth salivates at the thought, in the same way I used to think about cupcakes and chocolate (or in the way that I am now thinking about cupcakes and chocolate!)

I've also tried the Tesco's version - just as yummy! Although they have a flatter back - I'm yet to discover if this increases the pungency or not!

I'm now having to wean myself off of them as my mouth is literally cut to shreds inside - eek! But I suppose that is to be expected when one wolfs down entire bags throughout the day?! I also thought that the salt and carb content probably isn't that great for me on my new diet - fitted in to my 'skinny' Ruby London jeans yesterday - yesss! 

I guess I'll just have to iradicate them from my life, in the same way I have with other food baddies!

Anyway, baby crying.... x

Blackbean Stirfry

Just a simple stir fry made using Quorn Chicken and blackbean sauce - no noodles/ rice to save the heavy carbs but I do add a good tablespoon of mixed seeds which really makes the texture interesting.

I make it with a mix of 1 tblspn olive oil (good fats!) With 1 tblspn water (add water when oil is still cold!!)

My toddler loves blackbean sauce so I cook a little extra and let him dig in.

Nom nom nom!

Halloumi , basil and veg BBQ kebabs

I made this for my mother in law who is a vege who loves cooking - eeek! Was surprisingly delicious!

1 x courgette
1 x red onion (sliced in to wedges)
1 x red pepper
1 x yellow pepper
1 x green pepper
Cherry toms (halved)
Halloumi (cubed in to 2 cm cubes)
Basil chopped
Olive oil
Lemon

1. Mix chopped basil and oilve oil with a squeeze of lemon juice
2. Marinade chopped veg (2cm chunks) and halloumi in the basil mix for min 1 hr
3. Thread the ingredients on to BBQ skewers
4. Roast on BBQ until browned or cook under grill / griddle

Serve with BBQ'd corn on cob, sweet potato wedges or wholewheat Pitta breads.

Deliciously summery!

Stuffed chicken with feta and basil

I decided I needed less carbs and more protein so off I went to buy some chicken, and find something in the fridge to go with it!

1 x low fat chicken fillet
2cm slab of feta
Teaspoon of basil

1. Cut open chicken fillet through the middle
2. Stuff chicken with cubed feta and basil
3. Close breast and cook in oven for rougly 20mins at 200'c

Serve with steamed veg.

Love this meal, can't believe how full up it made me! Amazing!  

Roasted veg, feta, basil and egg

I discovered this from the ASDA magazine and tweaked it to the ingredients in my cupboard. Absolutely delish!

1 x egg
1 x onion
1 x shallot
1/2 red pepper
1/2 yellow pepper
1/2 green pepper
1/4 courgette
2cm stick feta
1 x teaspoon basil chopped

1. Fry shallot until nearly burnt
2. Add onion chopped
3. Add courgette
4. Add peppers sliced in to sticks and cubes
5. Fry together for 5 mins and stir in the basil
6. Meanwhile cube feta
7. Tip the fried ingredients in to an ovenproof dish and mix in feta
8. Make a well in centre of fried bits, crack egg in to well
9. Bake in oven until egg cooked (roughly 10 mins at 200'c)

Nom, and full of protein!

Roasted radishes - low fat carb substitute!

My favourite low fat discovery - whilst giving up 'biggie' carbs I bought radishes on a whim.

Trying them raw - bleugh!

I decided to dice them up and chuck them in to some roasted veg I was already making - amazing! I lightly coated in olive oil and salt and pepper and roasted for slightly longer than the other veg (put them in the oven on their own before chopping and adding the other veg)

They seem to take on the place of potatoes so happy days!

Creamy Quorn Chicken and Sweetcorn

Super low fat and low calorie but creamy and satisfying! Nom.

1 x Portion of quorn chicken style pieces (roughly a handful per person)
1 x tablespoon of low fat cream cheese
1 x small can sweetcorn
Splash of skimmed milk
1 x shallot
1 x red onion
Salt and pepper to taste
Dried crushed chillis to taste (not for everyone but boosts metabolism)

1. Fry chopped shallots until looking burnt (more black bits - more flavour)
2. Add chopped onions
3. Add pinch salt, pepper and chilli
4. Add chicken and cook through
5. Add sweetcorn
6. Stir in cream cheese until melted and coating ingredients
7. Add milk and simmer to create creamy texture.

Serve with roasted veg - nom nom nom 

Fat is a swear word

Fat, chubby, podge - Banned from my household. Possibly the biggest insult anyone could say to me, or my child, reducing me to a sniveling mess in the corner.

Why? I'm not sure. Yes I've always been 'insecure' about my weight but aren't we all? Would anyone genuinely be able to walk through Regency Street naked and not 'prepare' beforehand with a vat of Slim-Fast?

It occurred to me that I felt uncomfortable using the word 'fat' when reading The Hungry Caterpillar to my son. An old book granted, in the days when less stigma was attached the word, but I found myself whispering it (for fear of hurting the caterpillar's feelings?) And double checking that that was what it actually said.

I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder, I'm not 'bony' enough to give myself that label, but I'm always striving to 'eat less', 'be the smallest size they stock here', 'you ate a banana AND an apple earlier, therefore you can't have this handful of grapes' etc. Eating disorder? No. Unhealthy attitude towards food and 'excess flesh'? Yes.

I don't think its a problem however, granted I don't want my son to grow up with the same attitude towards food, honestly its not a lot of fun not having biscuits. But on the same page I desperately don't want him to be fat. That is no life for a child, and in my book a selfish choice by the parents. Whilst I can control it he eats mainly fruit and veg, wholegrains and whatever Holland and Barrett have to offer - not a bad thing in my books.

In a few years I will teach my son that it is on a par with 'naughty words' and to not use it to insult the cake-fed child at school, whether he's thinking it inside or not. Afterall, FAT is a swear word, that caterpillar may have turned in to a butterfly but he certainly wasn't much cop in his big brown cocoon.

McQueen to Mothercare

After two short (long) years of muddling through pregnancy, newborn-zombie-ness and cooing over baby drool and the amazement that my child instinctively knows how to fart, I'm finally having independent thoughts again.

Yes those thoughts that aren't penetrated by when MiniStale's next feed will be or humming the 'Wolly and Tig' theme tune whilst trying to get intimate with Mr Stale (simultaneously praying the doctor finished my episiotomy relatively attractively since I've not had the courage to squat over a mirror yet). It hit me whilst sat in the bath, having conquered MiniStales erratic sleeping, that I need somewhere to compartmentalise my thoughts and experiences through the day. Like babies do when you catch them talking to themselves.... Alas I digress.

Anyway, and more for my records, MiniStale is now 15 months old, walking, talking, blah blah competitive mummy blah. It's been a long ol' journey to get to where I am now, leaving fashion school aged 21 and a generous size 6 with nothing to do but wander around the maternity isles of Hennes, armed with a vodka damaged student loan - not how I imagined spending my mid-term first year of uni. I've done a hell of a lot of growing up since I last graced this blog with my presence (if reading my old posts is anything to go by).

Life now is steadier, by the coast, and punctuated by occasional outings with the girls to the local bars, rather than the occasional sober moments spent begging someone to fetch me a hangover-McDonald's. Hell I even go to church run playgroups now - for fun!

A x